me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!


If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.


Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.


[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*


Baby, let’s stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.


Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…


Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five


Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.


[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation