*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*
Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Baby, let’s stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…
Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Cop: this him?
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.