At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Whisper out to librarians!
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”