Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have?

6yo: $60

Me: That’s correct, son.

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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.


WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.


[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?


I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.


My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.


[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”


Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.


I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.


Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?