Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
You Might Also Like
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”