Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
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What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.