Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
What?
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Cndnsd Mlk
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.