Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
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Best seat on the street 😍
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.