@GingerHotDish

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

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@pplwtching

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

@Be___Dope

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

@dadmann_walking

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

@neiltyson

If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.

@TheDreamGhoul

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@aparnapkin

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks