Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.


Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree


Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.


If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.


saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming


My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me


Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks