*rapidly pushing elevator button*
no of course please tell me about your keto journey
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[taking my son to band practice]
me: kids really make fun of you for this?
son: yeah they think your band sucks
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]
sorry this might take a while…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.