Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

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*rapidly pushing elevator button*
no of course please tell me about your keto journey


As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…


My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.


[taking my son to band practice]

me: kids really make fun of you for this?

son: yeah they think your band sucks


Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*


sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…


The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war


I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*


7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.