Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
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I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
oppen heimer style lol
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.