Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
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I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”