Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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Finally!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?