@huntigula

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

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@albywizzy

Spoiler Alert: Ladies ,if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a Camera in it.

@Mwass_

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

@tsm560

I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

@BrandonEsWolf

The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”

@Sassafrantz

[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?

@MissMMathers

Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.

@DamnitJosh

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

@the_anastasia

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.