Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?
A sincere apology is like coffee.
Don’t talk to me beforehand.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
I haven’t even given you my order yet
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.