Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
We need to put an American base on the sun
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end