(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
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[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?