@TweetPotato314

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

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@pittdave13

*Guy about to invent the television

Why don’t you stand in this box and entertain me

@haleysfalling

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

@TheHyyyype

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

@juliussharpe

If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

@longwall26

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

@MNateShyamalan

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

@TheTweetOfGod

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

@Midgetspar

If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.