me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

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*Guy about to invent the television

Why don’t you stand in this box and entertain me


every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car


hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence


If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.


What I said:

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.


One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”


venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason


I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.


Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.


If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.