Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.

You Might Also Like


Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!


It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.


The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.


Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get


@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.


Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



Day 8 of quitting smoking: I have 376 gallons of blood to donate. Various types. None is mine.