@yerpalmildsauce

Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.

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@walks_on_legs

Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!

@iSamJack

It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.

@RachelNoise

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

@pattymo

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

@Its_Kene

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@KoKeniSasquatch

Day 8 of quitting smoking: I have 376 gallons of blood to donate. Various types. None is mine.