Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.
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It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“Sooth. Sooth! SOOOTH!!!” –soothsayers
*washes up on a deserted island
*swims back out to sea
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Day 8 of quitting smoking: I have 376 gallons of blood to donate. Various types. None is mine.