My gym instructor says that Warm-Ups are extremely necessary.
So, I brought donuts along this time but I can’t find the microwave oven.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
You Might Also Like
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”