me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us