me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

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My gym instructor says that Warm-Ups are extremely necessary.

So, I brought donuts along this time but I can’t find the microwave oven.


50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid


[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.


When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.


date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer


Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair


I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.