Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.