guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’