ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
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The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon