ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
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That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Breaking news:
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.