Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers