Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

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me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register


“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”


My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.


I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.


A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.


Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.


Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…

“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”


[in a burning building]

Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down


JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]


I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.