Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*bites zombie*
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Remember folks 😂
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Customer is always right