@mompsychologist

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

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@clichedout

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@theshantilly

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

@Social_Mime

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

@BoozieEyedJoe

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

@GuyBreakup

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

@momsense_ensues

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

@StranDadAbroad

Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…

“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”

@ComedicBust

[in a burning building]

Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down

Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..

JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.