[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
an octopus is just a wet spider
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”