Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
LA today:
WHO DID THIS?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”