@stinky_blinders

Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*

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@alexlumaga

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

@MollyCocktail

*pours gasoline*
*strikes match*
*tosses*

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Laundry’s done.

@BackrowSeats

I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

@Browtweaten

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

@JohnnyCrash5

Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ve been arrested 10 times

@LnL245

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

@MoneypennyNaked

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

@TheRealPalMal

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.