I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
I: About the test?
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
Facebook: she’s racist now
Facebook: everyone on here is
“YOUR 15” is trending worldwide instead of “YOU’RE 15” and that’s why we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet.
14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*candy crush request*