[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
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Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*seductively eats two tums*
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.