Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
You Might Also Like
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I am also baked goods
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.