Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

You Might Also Like


Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.


If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.


My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.



Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*


Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.


[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”


Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman


satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.


dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.


dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.


Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.