How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
Where would you like to go?
Get in the Spider Van.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My foot wants to interact with your face. 😐
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.