Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.