@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

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@thedad

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

@TheWoodenslurpy

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

@Andr6wMale

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

@dave_cactus

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

@jlock17

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

@antoniogm

Having a beer with a co-worker I was surprised to hear he was born in ’92.

Me: Wow. That’s young.
Him: And you?
Me: ’76
Him: You look really good for 76.
Me: Thanks. People often guess younger.

More conversation. I soon realize he thinks I’m 76 years old.

@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

@kathay1973

I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…

@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

@matt___nelson

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*