Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie