Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

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My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.


Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?

Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.

Dr: …

Me: …

Dr: You were born in 1982.

Me: Maybe it Was 1982.


You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that


“By the way, how’s Mittens?”

-friend of the Schrödinger family


Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?


Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything


[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?


whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record


[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work