My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?
Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.
Dr: You were born in 1982.
Me: Maybe it Was 1982.
Never tip a cow more than 15%.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“By the way, how’s Mittens?”
-friend of the Schrödinger family
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work