@kibblesmith

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

- @kibblesmith

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@Kyle_Lippert

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

@CrabbyDaCrab

My gym trainer told us to run around the building with 15 lb. kettlebells. I told him if I wanted to run with an extra 15 lbs, I wouldn’t be at the gym.

@humanaaron

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

@jonnysun

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

@VeganZebra

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

@EyeSeeYou619

Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.