Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
What the hell happened in there??
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.