ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The 6 types of sex
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*