Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
pictures of spider-man
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.