@ddsmidt

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

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@Home_Halfway

ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself

@abbycohenwl

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

@clichedout

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

@EdgarAllanLo

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

@jonathantony

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

@VerifiedDrunk

Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.

@jordan_stratton

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

@Beardson

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

@don_haworth

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

@AlmightyBored

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.