@ddsmidt

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

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@JediGigi

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

@Tups13

As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

@Marcmywords2

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

@KeithAshers

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

@Shock_Monster

If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.

Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.

@

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@Shade510

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

@3sunzzz

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

@MelsLien

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies