ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”
Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.