ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets

PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–

ME: nope 67

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next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy


I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad


[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*


protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?


Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself

Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!


there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”


Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*