next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets
PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–
ME: nope 67
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself
Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Had an epiphany today.
*sends self an email reminder*
Me: “ooooh an email”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?