Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”
“sir…that’s a parrot”