@DomesticGoddss

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

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@Home_Halfway

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

@DrakeBell

In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”

@schumoo

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

@FredTaming

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

@leannuh

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

@Ellierocks2013

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.

@wildethingy

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

@mystikandmom

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

@Holy_Mowgli

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”