@DomesticGoddss

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

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@NurseMurderer

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

@ThatFellaKev

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

@arealliveghost

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

@murrman5

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

@FuckabillyRex

I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.

@chuuew

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

@daddydoubts

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

@geowizzacist

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.