Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
goldfish mafia
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.