@UncleDuke1969

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

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@Royal_Stein

I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

@bea_ker

*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good

@tnylgn

Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca

@Tbone7219

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

@ConanOBrien

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.