Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”