this is so accurate
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
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I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good
Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today
Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.