Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

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I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.


ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?


*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good


Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca


Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.


Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature


“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.