Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
We’ve come full circle
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”