Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
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I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.