Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet