Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.