Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Finally! 😈
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up