Love is a battlefield. And I fight naked.
Me: i’ll have a beer
Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy
Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again
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Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.