@roostermustache

Me: i’ll have a beer

Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy

Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again

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@Gupton68

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

@Douchekevin

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

@JCWisdomNuggets

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

@adamgreattweet

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

@TeaAndCopy

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

@nappydolemite

I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.

@flashember

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

@riesypiecey

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.