Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
You Might Also Like
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Software Development ⛵️
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Hitlers gonna hitl
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Perfect
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents