Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.