Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.


Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna


The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.


The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.


When I say books rule you say shhhh



Librarian: SHHHH!


Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah


if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run


Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.


[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito


My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors


On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.