Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

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[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”


It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.


My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.


“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit


Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.


Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover

Her: Yeah? Prove it.

M: How?

H: What is the first sentence in it?

M: “Do not remove from motel”


Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers


I save money on condoms by not getting laid.