Social media explained.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
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“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover
Her: Yeah? Prove it.
H: What is the first sentence in it?
M: “Do not remove from motel”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I save money on condoms by not getting laid.