Every. Damn. Time.
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]