Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
😆this is so true
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.