Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Perfection.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade