@clichedout

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

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@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

@PJTLynch

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

@batkaren

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

@FeelingEuphoric

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

@Divergentmama

I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*