me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?