Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Waiting for the Charmin
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Brb my Sims are getting married
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Always…
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.